My heart and soul...

Wow I cant believe its been almost a month since I've been on here.  I think that's because I've had the hardest two weeks I can remember (physically). This weekend was definitely the worst by far. I got to a point where all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry myself unconscious. I thought about how ugly the rest of my life was gonna be, how much I hated my body right now and how much I wanted this to be a bad dream... But after analyzing everything that's happened this last week, I came to one conclusion.  I am beyond blessed.  I realized this weekend that I have an amazing support system. My family is so supportive. And my friends pray with me, for me and stand by me.  But most of all I have my son.  There are 20 families missing their children right now. They cant see them, hear them, hold them, love them, care for them, or tell them how much they are loved.  Thankfully, I have mine. And he is all I need to complete my life regardless of how much my body betrays me. I cant thank God enough for allowing me to live my life with him and I could never explain to anyone how much I love him but I can show my son everyday that I love him and that every sacrifice that I make is for him and so well worth it.  This weekend we told him we love him so much more than we'd ever said, I think. I've made myself sick thinking of those poor families that I have no words for.  How do you console someone that has lost a part of them... and in some cases, themselves completely?  I just pray that they will find some peace...

RIP Sandy Hook victims 12.14.12

30 minute morning

So after a fatigue filled day yesterday, I woke up this morning with less energy (equivalent to none) and wondered what the fastest and easiest way would be to get ready for work.  I have long hair and its pretty damn stubborn. So needless to say, in my eyes--that of a Fibro Fighter-- I had a difficult morning ahead of me. Turns out I was ready in 30 minutes... including my breaks and all. So I thought to myself 'why not share your findings of an easy morning with all Fibromites?'  So here is the fastest way to get ready (for me) in the mornings.

I have, like I said before, long, unruly hair that has its good days and bad days like everything else we experience with this wonderful illness.  My go-to quick fix for this is believe it or not HOT ROLLERS!  Everyone loves a cute wave in long tresses... but I don't have the time, energy or muscle strength in my arms to do it with a curling iron or flat iron... and I've never actually tried the wand but to me seems pretty much as effective as a curling iron.  I tend to wash my hair at night, since I zumba in the evening, and let it air dry through out the night--this also helps avoid heat damage from the blow dryer.  I plug in my hot rollers-- which were pretty inexpensive but well worth the investment--and let them heat up for about ten minutes.  During this ten minute lapse I do one of two things, if I was proactive enough the prior night to pick out my clothes then I get all my make up stuff ready and if not I get my clothes ready (or take a break). So my make up consists of 5 things on my lazy days: foundation, powder, a pencil liner, mascara and lipstick. Ok so now that I've gathered my materials, my rollers are ready to be put in.  I put them in slowly 'cause they're hot. At most, my hair takes about 8 (if I want a tight curl) or maybe 5-6 if I want loose curls.  While they're on and they set, I put on my foundation, pat on my powder, curl my lashes and mascara them up, add a little liner on the bottom (or top) lid, and as a cute punch I add a bright red or pink lipstick. So my rollers have been on a good 10 minutes by now so I take them off and there it is! I pump in some shine serum and I'm done.

Personally, my bangs are a bit frizzy so I go over them quickly with a straightener but most people don't have that problem so you lucky ones can skip this step.

So now I get dressed and I'm out the door.

I realized this morning that I have lots of shortcuts that I never really realized were precisely that, shortcuts to make my life as a Fibro Fighter a bit easier.  I hope this helped a bit!

If you have any questions, please let me know or feel free to comment away!

This isnt from today but more or less what the outcome is! :)

Is this it?

Today is one of those days where I hate being sick. Everything hurts and I just want to give up. I'm tired and I want a freaking break already.  I can't even breathe right. I feel like I'm missing air in my lungs. My neck is hurting so much that it's caused a headache and my jaw to tense up. I feel incredibly dizzy and nauseated. I just want to kick and scream like a baby!
Sometimes I wonder why I can't be normal....  I don't remember my life without pain.  Is this it?  Can I really deal with this forever?!? This can't possibly be the life that God wants for me!  For anyone!  I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm frustrated.  I'm in pain. I'm tired. I'm scared.

Tremors...

So I had an appointment with my rheumatologist yesterday and I suppose it went well.  Well, I guess considering that it could always be worse.  I told her about my tremors of my left had. She didn't seem very pleased. :( I have an appointment with yet another doctor, a neurologist.  I'm nervous about this one.  I am not sure why I feel anxious about it but I'm dreading it.  I think I have a fear that things can actually be worse than Fibromyalgia.  Not that fibro isn't bad or that I'd give up fight, but at least I already knew what was wrong... I had an answer. And now, I'm in limbo again.  My hand is not in the best of shape and I can tell its only getting worse.  My doctor told me that I'm going to need a needle test... apparently I was supposed to understand what that meant and have absolutely no fear of it. ha! wrong again! Just hearing the word needle makes it terrifying.  And not that I have a phobia of them but my brain doesn't fathom the idea of it in anyway be pleasurable or even at that, moderately uncomfortable.  My brain went straight into agony! Oh well... I guess its only best I face it, deal with it, and move on. Maybe another upward turn? I'll know in a week...

Down but not out!

I've been out of work for a week and although I was urging for today to come so I could get out of the house, I have to say I don't feel up to it.  I'm tired. But on a brighter note, Halloween is coming up and my munchkin is utterly excited! We filled up all of the 300+ candy bags for trick or treaters this weekend! I"m not sure that I'll be able to walk him around the neighborhood to get candy himself, but I know my brother in law will.  I feel so blessed to have such a strong support system. I know sometimes they don't even understand what I'm going through and I'm sure other times they feel like they're just picking up my slack but regardless, I'm eternally grateful.

What is really bothering me this morning is that I've been home sick for a week and today, the first day back to work, I started feeling the signs of a flare coming on.  I really hope I'm wrong. But if I'm right, I'm not going to let it knock me out.  I cant. It wouldn't be fair to my family but most of all, it wouldnt be fair to my son.  Please pray for me...

I'm back!

So I've been MIA for a while but I'm back! I've been sick in bed since Sunday!! I have a sinus infection and throat infection :( It seems with this illness my colds knock me out.  Since I've been diagnosed I hadnt done any vacationing.  This weekend I took a 4 hour trip and I just realized how hard these trips are on me.  I dont know how I've done it up until now.  I wanted to die after only 2 hours. And after I got home I got sick and this infection just threw me in bed for days.  I hope I can go back to work tomorrow. Its weird but I miss it.  I hope that one day all of this will be a bad dream...  Deep down I know its not but one can wish...

I feel so tired of feeling sick...

A Letter to Normals...

There are the things I would like you to understand before you judge me...

Please know that being sick doesn't mean I'm not human. I may spend most of my day flat on my back and I might not seem like great company, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I worry about school, work, family and friends and I'd still like to hear about yours. Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable but it will pass. I've been sick for for so long that I can't afford to be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if I sound happy, it means that I'm happy, it does not mean that I am well. I may be in pain and sicker than ever.Please, don't say, "Oh, you're sounding better!".I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome. Please understand that being able to stand up for five minutes, doesn't mean that I can stand ten minutes, or an hour. It's likely that five minutes has exhausted my resources and I'll need to recover - imagine an athlete after a race. They couldn't repeat that feat right away either. With a lot of diseases you're either paralyzed or you can move, but with Fibromyalgia it gets more confusing. Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, "sitting up", "walking", "thinking", "being sociable" and so on ... it applies to everything. That's what a fatigue-based illness does to you. Please understand that chronic illnesses are variable. It's quite possible (for me, it's common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, and the next I'll struggle to reach the kitchen.  Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying, "But you did it before!".  If you want me to do something, ask if I can and I'll tell you. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, if this happens please don't take it personally. Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better, and can often make me worse. Fibromyalgia may cause secondary depression (wouldn't you get depressed if you were no longer able to participate in life?) but it is not caused by depression. Telling me that I need exercise is not appreciated or correct - if I could do it, I would.  Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now - it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm doing something. Fibromyalgia does not forgive. Please understand that I can't spend all of my energy trying to get well. With a short-term illness like the flu, you can afford to put life on hold for a week or two while you get well. But part of having a chronic illness is coming to the realization that you have to spend some energy on having a life now. This doesn't mean I'm not trying to get better. It doesn't mean I've given up. It's just how life is when you're dealing with a chronic illness.If you want to suggest a cure, please don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because every one of my friends has already suggested every theory known to man. I tried them all, but quickly realized I was using up so much energy trying new treatments I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured Fibromyalgia, all of us would know about it by now.If you read this and still want to suggest a cure, submit it in writing but don't expect me to rush out and try it. If it is something new, with merit, I'll discuss it with my doctor.Please understand that getting better can be a slow process. Fibromyalgia entails numerous symptoms and it can take a long time to sort them all out.

I depend on you - people who are not sick for many things but most importantly, I need you to understand me.

http://fmscommunity.org/lettertonormals.htm

A Letter from Fibromyalgia

Dear Miserable Human Being,
Hi, my name is Fibromyalgia, and I’m an invisible chronic illness. I am now ‘velcroed’ to you for life. Others around you can’t see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me. I can attack you anywhere and anyway I please. I can cause severe pain, or if I am in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over.

Remember when you and Energy ran around together and had fun? I took Energy from you and gave you Exhaustion. Just try to have fun now! I also took Good Sleep from you and in its place gave you Fibro Fog (a.k.a.) Brain Fog. I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal. Oh yeah, I can make you feel anxious or depressed, too. If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away too. You didn’t ask for me. I chose you for various reasons: that virus you had that you never quite recovered from, or that car accident, or childbirth, the death of a loved one, or maybe it was those years of abuse and trauma. Well, anyway, I’m here to stay! I hear you’re going to see a doctor who can get rid of me. I’m ‘ROFL’ (rolling on the floor laughing)! Just try! You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively. In fact, you’ll see many doctors who tell you ‘it’s all in your head’ (or some version of that). If you do find a doctor willing to treat this ‘non-disease’, you will be put on pain pills, sleeping pills, and energy pills. You will be told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given a TENS unit, told if you just sleep and exercise properly, I will go away. You’ll be told to think positively, poked, prodded, and most of all, you will not be taken seriously when you cry to the doctor how debilitating life is for you every single day!

Your family, friends, and coworkers will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and that I’m a debilitating disease. Some of them will say things like “Oh, you’re just having a bad day”, or “Well, remember, you can’t expect to do the things you used to do 20 years ago,” not hearing that you said “20 DAYS ago”! Some will just start talking behind your back, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity, trying to make them understand, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with a ‘normal’ person, and can’t remember what you were going to say next!

In closing, you’ve probably figured out that the ONLY place you will get any real support and understanding in dealing with me is with Other People with Fibromyalgia! They are the only ones that will understand your complaints of unrelenting pain, insomnia, fibro fog, the inability to perform the everyday tasks that ‘normal people’ take for granted.

Remember, I’m stuck to you like Velcro – and I expect we’ll be together for the rest of your life.

Have a nice day!! (ROFL)

Fibromyalgia

(Thank you FibroFighterz for sharing....)

Pity Party for 1

On the other hand... I'm very sad and disappointed.  I've gained soooo much weight and I'm depressed to think that this is the way I'm gonna look from now. I tried so hard to get where I was and these pills are making me blow up like a freaking balloon! I'm angry and sad! I want to scream! I really hope that I can go back to Zumba soon! This stupid illness has me missing out on enough things in my life and now I have to add my self-esteem to the list! :'(

Update...

I havent written much lately because I've been trying to spend a little more time with my friends and family but today I decided to take some time to spend time with all of you.... I've had some good days and some bad days but lately on my bad days have been a bit more emotional for me.  I seem to be feeling more tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of being sick.  I've said it many times... I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. But my good days are lasting a bit longer.  I've been taking long weekends from work and it seems to be helping.  I love that my family, friends, coworkers and even bosses are so good to me. I'm blessed, I truly am. This is a tough journey... but it helps to have a good support system. Thank you to all that are following my journey... 

A special thanks to my Fibro Fighterz (https://www.facebook.com/fibro.fighterz) that have given me a special opportunity to be a part of their Admin group and share my journey and follow in theirs.

French!

I haven't written in a few days but I'm back! Yeah so I came back cause I have a new symptom :/ its the life of a Fibro Princess! So I'm asleep and I get woken up by this cold feeling in my lower legs just below my knees... Now I have this burning sensation with a tingle an unbearable pain! WTF??? Pardon the vocab but one of my fellow Fibro Fighterz said 'we've earned the right to cuss' and I totally agree! Sometimes its tough to describe everything we feel without letting out a bad word or two or several...  Hell I could write an entire novel with only bad words!! But anyway I suppose its time for bed! Goodnight! :)

A fighterz motto...

It's my life, not Fibro's!

One of our fellow Fibromites on Fibro Fighterz, Colleen, said this and it makes so much sense. I think as suffers of a chronic illness we need to stop going around feeling sorry for ourselves. We need to make a conscious decision to become a fighter not a sufferer of the illness. We need to make this illness only a part of our lives and not the dictator of it. It's so much easier to say this than to live by it. Attitude is key to our entire lives! 
I hope that these words impact all of you as much as it has me.... enough to make me one of many Fibro Fighterz! 

Exposure...

So, I took a chance and I think it was worth it. I've been told that my neck  muscles are so tense that it makes my neck straight as opposed to having the natural curvature it's supposed to have. X-rays have proven this theory.

I've been suffering for the last 3 weeks of excruciating neck pain. My neck tenses with ANY little stress (physical or emotional) and it strikes a pain to my back and up my head. This in turn causes me migraines, messes with my sleep pattern, creates anxiety which just adds more stress to my neck...

Last week, at work, I was exposed to a different side of the health industry. I learned that some Dr's aren't as interested in curing their patients as they are in making money. This causes dependence of patients to meds. Meds that don't cure us or even give is relief. So in all that, I tried putting myself in the shoes of the opposing sides in the health industry and realized I was or could be one of those patients. I refuse to be nothing more than funding. I want to be a patient, with pain, with aches, with an illness, but also with responsibility,  with common sense, and with awareness. 

I believe in healing. It doesn't matter if it's medical as long as it's spiritual.  This weekend I opened my door to holistic healing. I went to see a reflexogist / Acupressure therapist. Last night, after a month, I finally had a good nights rest. I can't say I'm cured because that would lack common sense but I can say that I'm better. My neck isn't 100% but it is so much better...

I'm aware that many more of you are reading my blog now and I want to be clear that I am not encouraging any of you one way or the other. This is just exposure for you to my personal Fibro journey.

Fibro Fighterz

I'm having a good day!!! :) I'm so excited! I was accepted as an Admin to a Facebook page!! I know that to many it doesnt seem like much, but to me, its a HUGE step forward! It gives me a reason to be cheerful and to keep positive.  I feel like I'm going to make a difference now! If I can be the cause for one smile a day, its MORE than enough to know that my day was worth struggling through... I hope that I can be of inspiration to this group...

You learn...

If you dont have Fibromyalgia, if you're healthy do it all. If you do have Fibromyalgia, the day's that you dont have a flare, do it ALL!!

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone

I recommend walking around naked in your living room

Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)

It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)

Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone

I certainly do

I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time

Feel free

Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)

Hold it up (to the rays)

You wait and see when the smoke clears

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)

Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)

The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You grieve you learn

You choke you learn

You laugh you learn

You choose you learn

You pray you learn

You ask you learn

You live you learn

Love and other drugs....

Maggie: I don't need you...
Jamie: Yes you do... someone to take care of you. Everybody does.
Maggie: I'm going to need you more than you need me.
Jamie: ...That's okay.
Maggie: No, it's not!! It isn't fair. I have places to go.
Jamie: You'll go there. I just may have to carry you.
Maggie: I can't let you do that...
No matter how much we try, with our illness, we'll always feel like a burden. In any type of relationship.  At some point, I know I have felt guilty for dragging people through my journey. And many other times I've felt grateful that some others aren't having to deal with it.
But truth be told, we'll always need them more than they'll need us. And only few will actually be willing to help us carry our crosses. Some of these few, as absurd as this may sound, will fight their right to deal with this life that we would so graciously give up.
I'm in one of my toughest moments. Emotionally, I feel drained and for the first time, I feel tired of having to deal with all my aches and pains, emotional, mental, and physical.  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I miss my old self.... and I wish I knew the answer to all of this. I wish I could wake up and feel that it was all a bad dream and that I'm back to being myself. It's hard to realize, this is never going to end...

Stages to the new me...

So in coming to terms with my illness, I've realized a few things. First off, I've come to the conclusion that us, Fibromites, have to go through an inner process aside from our physical endeavors. I read somewhere, and have to agree, that once diagnosed we have to go through the 7 stages of grief. And in this, I in no way mean that we have to accept our end but simply a new beginning. We grieve for our old self. As we lose the life we had and must learn to live with the new life we were so graciously given.


And although I believe we do have to go through these 7 stages, I also must say that I agree with Dr. Phil as he states that "there are not stages of grief, but an array of feelings that arise." But I also believe, that in my very particular case, I went through the stages mostly before my diagnosis.




The first stage is shock and denial. I don't think that I went through the shock as much as I did the denial long before my diagnosis. I felt young and more ready than ever to conquer the world. I was a single mom, working, and dedicated to my son. At first one symptom, then another... and every time I encountered a new one, I told myself "Oh stop! Its all in your head!" Of course, hearing that from family and friends added to the usual "you're healthy, all your tests are negative" from the doctors only helped prolong this stage further.


Stage 2 is the strange one for me... Pain and Guilt! Pain yes! Lots of it! Physical and Emotional! Not to mention the pain of not being who I knew I could be or always wanted to be. Guilt, on the other hand, was not for me. How could I feel guilty for being sick. Yes, I admit I don't eat the healthiest food or do 3 hours of work out sessions a day, but I did well for myself physically. Very active. Zumba was my major outlet for all the emotional stress I was going through not knowing what the hell was wrong with me.



Anger and Bargaining.... I think one time I asked why me? but then I answered myself. Why not? That's always been the answer to a lot of my questions... and for me, this worked. I was angry, yes. Because I didn't know what was wrong with me, because no one gave me answers, because no one told me it was not in my head, because I was in pain ALL the time, because I wanted it to stop, I EXPECTED it to stop... and it never did.



Stage 4 was the craziest... Depression! Major! So much anger made me depressed. I think more than anything it was the fear that I was sick (or maybe it was just all in my head) and I had my son. He needed me to be sane and I was anything but... I cried in the dark and always in the shower... upset. sad. My anxiety escalated to uncontrollable levels only to add to my depression and loss of hope.



And then... the best stage so far... The Upward Turn. The day I walked into my Rheumatologist's office. The moment I heard it.. Yes you're sick. You have Fibromyalgia. It's not in your head. And there is no cure. For some people, most sane people, this is almost as crushing as a life sentence to death... but for me, it was light. Light at the end of the tunnel that I had so painfully been crawling through, scratching at the walls and dragging through the dirt....


Reconstruction and Working through... This one, to me, seems like it's never going to actually pass. With this illness I don't think we ever finish "reconstructing ourselves." Its almost impossible. With every flare comes new symptoms and new weakness and even new abilities.... so how can we stop rearranging our lives. I guess I did the basics. So basically, I started working through the pain and the reconstruction of my life. I changed some parts of my life... I walk slower. I talk slower. I enjoy more of the simple things. I leave the drama. I concentrate on and indulge in my simple pleasures. And most importantly... I worked through getting to Stage 7


Acceptance & Hope
I accept my weaknesses. I accept my pains. I accept my life. I accept the challenge. But most of all I accept my illness. I know I'm sick and I know that this is not something that will go away. And I have hope that my life will not deteriorate, simply change. I have hope that my family and friends will see me through it. I have hope that life will get better. And I have Faith in Him and that He's listening to my prayers and nourishing my Hope.


So with all of this said, my last stage calls for one more thing..


I am Mireya and I have Fibromyalgia....

It was supposed to be fun!

I remember being a kid. I remember one of my favorite things were Parks... merry-go-rounds especially!  But then there was always this one kid that would offer to spin you. And you'd spin, and spin, and spin!  And all of a sudden it was coming.... u start loosing ur ground. Your head starts feeling like it's hollow. Almost like you are floating at high speed. You scream STOP!  STOP!  STOP! but the louder u scream the faster they seem to go....
I've been on that same merry-go-round all day. At my 30 years of age, it's still supposed to be fun.... but it's anything but.... simply, sickening!

Fibro for dummies...

What hurts?
My bed. My couch. My pillow. My clothes. My shoes. My phone. My TV. My food. The sun. The heat. The rain. The cold.
When?
I open my eyes. I climb out of bed. I sleep. I sit. I walk. I talk. I think. I eat. I laugh. I hug. I drink. I ask. I type. I read. I work. I breathe.
Where?
My head. My back. My eyes. My legs. My chest. My fingers. My brain. My emotions. My elbows. My knees. My jaw. My toes. My neck. My stomach. My ribs. My throat. My memory. My life.
Why?
It touches. It itches. It rubs. It scrapes. It Burns. Its heavy. It's rough. It's hard. It's soft. It's late. It's early. It's too much. It's too little. It's hot. It's cold.
So what do I rely on....
My Faith. My courage. My strength. My family. My friends.
God.

Cant do much damage...

These last two weeks haven't been easy.. and by the looks of it, this week wont be any better.  I am still feeling a lot of discomfort in my neck area and cant sleep comfortably.  However, I've decided to go to Zumba today anyway. I figure not much could be worse.  It either helps or it wont but I wont feel as guilty eating my pain and sadness away.  I just wish I could make all of this go away... If only... But God knows what He's doing,  and I will know why one day... My head is throbbing.... That will probably explode on my way home from class.. Oh well...

Pain...

My neck pain is unbearable today!!!  I want to scream! Kick!  Cry! Anything that will alleviate this terrible pain. I've been told and I've told myself so many times that I'm strong but I'm so close to giving up sometimes.... 

Turbulence...

Wow this week has been by far one of my worst... Today its hard for me to breathe. After I got back to work from lunch I tried to walk across the hall to get ice and it seemed eternal.  I felt like I was running a 5K. My body was so stiff.  My body aches so much it feels like I'm one big constant shake.  Feels like I'm so high off the ground and with no stability that I just may fall some day.  Its so scary. My anxiety is so bad at nights that I don't sleep.  I'm afraid to fall asleep and wake up worse.  But I keep coming to work because staying at home only depresses me more.  I cant see myself stopping my life.  I'm only 30 and I feel like my body is giving up already.  I know in my heart that it will be ok but I just get so tired and frustrated of dealing with this.  Its crazy how drs say this isn't a progressive illness... It sure as heck feels like it gets worse and worse... I just pray that He gives me the strength that I need.

Fibromyalgia knocks me down but definitely not out!

I hate the idea of this blog being one big pity party... So with that said, I made it through my bad day yesterday!!! I don't feel 100 % but I feel much better than I did last night.  Usually my days get rougher as they ease into the evening but I don't want to worry about that now... Imagine me waking every day dreading the evening? Well, I do but I don't live my life by it. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

My life is slowly coming back together and its like they say 'life is like a book, one bad chapter doesn't mean it's the end.'

My son had a great day in school yesterday! He came home happy... This morning he says "I don't even feel the nervous today." I'm so proud of him.  Ever since he was a baby, he's been a fighter. At his young age he's gone through so much and yet he's always found a reason to smile.  He is my reason to keep trying and keep smiling. He is my strength.

7.9 on the richter scale?

I made it through my work day... All I  want to do now is throw myself on my couch and cry. Everything hurts.... I'm in so much pain that I feel like my body is trembling. It's a bad day. I just need this to pass and I'll try again tomorrow.  I hate taking my meds so early. Let's see how long I can go without medicating myself to sleep.

Insomnia...

Tic Toc... That's all I hear.... The more I try to sleep, the more difficult it becomes.  It's like my brain decides to wake up at the moment my body decides it needs rest.  The sensation of my body giving out on me is so much stronger when I cant sleep... My neck makes it impossible to rest.  I have a profound envy for those that just close their eyes and find a restful sleep... It doesn't even matter if I sleep, my body will still be exhausted in the morning.  They say that us Fibromites skip stage 4 of sleep... meaning the stage where we enjoy deep sleep.  We tend to go directly into stage 5 which is the REM sleep and dreaming. Sometimes knowing this scares me... my dreams are so vivid and real that it makes waking out of them priceless but highly difficult. Nowadays it seems my brain is more and more active.  I'm soooo tired but I'm scared of closing my eyes and waking up to the dreadful anxiety that are my mornings...

For those of you that can enjoy your sleep, don't take it for granted. May you all have a restful night...

Affirmation....

I shared my blog last night and this afternoon I realized I wasn't wrong. I do have amazing friends. And although we're not always physically together, they're always there for me. It's little things like this that make me realize that I'm right. I was chosen for a reason. He tells me in every comment and every smile. Thank you all for being a part of my journey.

Bach???

I read somewhere that us Fibromites learn to live with the pain 'playing in the background like elevator music.'  I spoke to a friend of mine last night and he asked if I was always in pain... I really couldn't say no but at the same time didn't feel comfortable saying yes.  My pain is there. Not debilitating, not visible, not measurable, not comprehensible, but most definitely always there.  I think as I learn more about this illness and as I communicate more and more with people that are going through the same thing I am, the more I learn to cope.  I've learned to accept that this is the path that was chosen for me, and that He chose me for a reason.  Maybe that's why I feel the need to write, to find the reason He chose me.  Its not easy explaining to people that my illness is chronic and severe. Its not easy hearing people say "but you look okay" when inside I know my body and mind are falling to pieces before their eyes and they cant see it.  My illness has made me realize and understand so much more that not everything is what we think it is or how we see it from the outside.  I thank God that I was finally diagnosed.  Since my diagnosis, I've begun to have a 'normal' life again... of course only to the extent of my physical ability.  I may not ever be whom or what I used to be and I may not ever go back to doing the things that I did in the past, but I'm surely not going down without a fight.

My support system is incredible.  My family supports me.  Friends that I never thought could understand, have not only stood by but have cheered me on and have shown me that life isn't about being who you were but becoming what you were meant to be.  This is by no means a handicap in my life; I think this diagnosis and my NEW reality, is a gift.  The gift of a journey in life that takes me through limits that I never even imagined much less did I dream of overcoming.  I don't feel sorry for myself nor would I like any one to.... I just take my days one at a time... and remember that every day ends and with its end comes the beginning of a new day.  If I can make it through today, I'll be back tomorrow.

Diagnosis...

I'm a proud mother of a beautiful 7 year old boy... He's my life and my strength to keep going even on the days that I dont have the courage to open my eyes.  I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in June of 2012.

In retrospect I've been dealing with it since after my son's birth.  First, I was diagnosed with Severe Depression (post partum), then months later I began with anxiety attacks. A year later I began having severe pelvic pain that led me to a laproscopy with no results explaining the reason or cause for my pain.  I was fine with aches and pains for about a year but nothing severe.  Suddenly I began with impressive neck pain and tension headaches... Migraines, is what they'd always been called. Finally I felt what I thought were my joints giving up on me.... My Dr finally referred me to specialist thinking I may have rheumatoid arthritis. The specialist did all sorts of tests and after extensive medical history, determined that, in fact, it was Fibromyalgia.

Until this point, I'd only heard of it on TV and knew the version of it that "normals" know. The Dr. explained a vast majority of symptoms but also told me to go home and research it. And that's when I realized how long I've been dealing with it.  I learned that all the aches and pains weren't 'all in my head' like so many people like to say.  And that 'getting out' wasn't necessarily an easy thing or even recommended. I realized I wasn't alone and that it was setting up to be a bumpy ride but definitely one that I could handle.  I'm not one to give up easily.  Definitely a fighter.  I know that I'm not alone now and that, in itself, gives me a reason to write and share what I'm going through.  I don't think that I will ever be a role model of any sort, but a testimony to the fact that I'm not alone and that Fibromyalgia is real.

And so begins the story of a Fibro Princess...