Pain...

My neck pain is unbearable today!!!  I want to scream! Kick!  Cry! Anything that will alleviate this terrible pain. I've been told and I've told myself so many times that I'm strong but I'm so close to giving up sometimes.... 

Turbulence...

Wow this week has been by far one of my worst... Today its hard for me to breathe. After I got back to work from lunch I tried to walk across the hall to get ice and it seemed eternal.  I felt like I was running a 5K. My body was so stiff.  My body aches so much it feels like I'm one big constant shake.  Feels like I'm so high off the ground and with no stability that I just may fall some day.  Its so scary. My anxiety is so bad at nights that I don't sleep.  I'm afraid to fall asleep and wake up worse.  But I keep coming to work because staying at home only depresses me more.  I cant see myself stopping my life.  I'm only 30 and I feel like my body is giving up already.  I know in my heart that it will be ok but I just get so tired and frustrated of dealing with this.  Its crazy how drs say this isn't a progressive illness... It sure as heck feels like it gets worse and worse... I just pray that He gives me the strength that I need.

Fibromyalgia knocks me down but definitely not out!

I hate the idea of this blog being one big pity party... So with that said, I made it through my bad day yesterday!!! I don't feel 100 % but I feel much better than I did last night.  Usually my days get rougher as they ease into the evening but I don't want to worry about that now... Imagine me waking every day dreading the evening? Well, I do but I don't live my life by it. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

My life is slowly coming back together and its like they say 'life is like a book, one bad chapter doesn't mean it's the end.'

My son had a great day in school yesterday! He came home happy... This morning he says "I don't even feel the nervous today." I'm so proud of him.  Ever since he was a baby, he's been a fighter. At his young age he's gone through so much and yet he's always found a reason to smile.  He is my reason to keep trying and keep smiling. He is my strength.

7.9 on the richter scale?

I made it through my work day... All I  want to do now is throw myself on my couch and cry. Everything hurts.... I'm in so much pain that I feel like my body is trembling. It's a bad day. I just need this to pass and I'll try again tomorrow.  I hate taking my meds so early. Let's see how long I can go without medicating myself to sleep.

Insomnia...

Tic Toc... That's all I hear.... The more I try to sleep, the more difficult it becomes.  It's like my brain decides to wake up at the moment my body decides it needs rest.  The sensation of my body giving out on me is so much stronger when I cant sleep... My neck makes it impossible to rest.  I have a profound envy for those that just close their eyes and find a restful sleep... It doesn't even matter if I sleep, my body will still be exhausted in the morning.  They say that us Fibromites skip stage 4 of sleep... meaning the stage where we enjoy deep sleep.  We tend to go directly into stage 5 which is the REM sleep and dreaming. Sometimes knowing this scares me... my dreams are so vivid and real that it makes waking out of them priceless but highly difficult. Nowadays it seems my brain is more and more active.  I'm soooo tired but I'm scared of closing my eyes and waking up to the dreadful anxiety that are my mornings...

For those of you that can enjoy your sleep, don't take it for granted. May you all have a restful night...

Affirmation....

I shared my blog last night and this afternoon I realized I wasn't wrong. I do have amazing friends. And although we're not always physically together, they're always there for me. It's little things like this that make me realize that I'm right. I was chosen for a reason. He tells me in every comment and every smile. Thank you all for being a part of my journey.

Bach???

I read somewhere that us Fibromites learn to live with the pain 'playing in the background like elevator music.'  I spoke to a friend of mine last night and he asked if I was always in pain... I really couldn't say no but at the same time didn't feel comfortable saying yes.  My pain is there. Not debilitating, not visible, not measurable, not comprehensible, but most definitely always there.  I think as I learn more about this illness and as I communicate more and more with people that are going through the same thing I am, the more I learn to cope.  I've learned to accept that this is the path that was chosen for me, and that He chose me for a reason.  Maybe that's why I feel the need to write, to find the reason He chose me.  Its not easy explaining to people that my illness is chronic and severe. Its not easy hearing people say "but you look okay" when inside I know my body and mind are falling to pieces before their eyes and they cant see it.  My illness has made me realize and understand so much more that not everything is what we think it is or how we see it from the outside.  I thank God that I was finally diagnosed.  Since my diagnosis, I've begun to have a 'normal' life again... of course only to the extent of my physical ability.  I may not ever be whom or what I used to be and I may not ever go back to doing the things that I did in the past, but I'm surely not going down without a fight.

My support system is incredible.  My family supports me.  Friends that I never thought could understand, have not only stood by but have cheered me on and have shown me that life isn't about being who you were but becoming what you were meant to be.  This is by no means a handicap in my life; I think this diagnosis and my NEW reality, is a gift.  The gift of a journey in life that takes me through limits that I never even imagined much less did I dream of overcoming.  I don't feel sorry for myself nor would I like any one to.... I just take my days one at a time... and remember that every day ends and with its end comes the beginning of a new day.  If I can make it through today, I'll be back tomorrow.

Diagnosis...

I'm a proud mother of a beautiful 7 year old boy... He's my life and my strength to keep going even on the days that I dont have the courage to open my eyes.  I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in June of 2012.

In retrospect I've been dealing with it since after my son's birth.  First, I was diagnosed with Severe Depression (post partum), then months later I began with anxiety attacks. A year later I began having severe pelvic pain that led me to a laproscopy with no results explaining the reason or cause for my pain.  I was fine with aches and pains for about a year but nothing severe.  Suddenly I began with impressive neck pain and tension headaches... Migraines, is what they'd always been called. Finally I felt what I thought were my joints giving up on me.... My Dr finally referred me to specialist thinking I may have rheumatoid arthritis. The specialist did all sorts of tests and after extensive medical history, determined that, in fact, it was Fibromyalgia.

Until this point, I'd only heard of it on TV and knew the version of it that "normals" know. The Dr. explained a vast majority of symptoms but also told me to go home and research it. And that's when I realized how long I've been dealing with it.  I learned that all the aches and pains weren't 'all in my head' like so many people like to say.  And that 'getting out' wasn't necessarily an easy thing or even recommended. I realized I wasn't alone and that it was setting up to be a bumpy ride but definitely one that I could handle.  I'm not one to give up easily.  Definitely a fighter.  I know that I'm not alone now and that, in itself, gives me a reason to write and share what I'm going through.  I don't think that I will ever be a role model of any sort, but a testimony to the fact that I'm not alone and that Fibromyalgia is real.

And so begins the story of a Fibro Princess...