My heart and soul...

Wow I cant believe its been almost a month since I've been on here.  I think that's because I've had the hardest two weeks I can remember (physically). This weekend was definitely the worst by far. I got to a point where all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry myself unconscious. I thought about how ugly the rest of my life was gonna be, how much I hated my body right now and how much I wanted this to be a bad dream... But after analyzing everything that's happened this last week, I came to one conclusion.  I am beyond blessed.  I realized this weekend that I have an amazing support system. My family is so supportive. And my friends pray with me, for me and stand by me.  But most of all I have my son.  There are 20 families missing their children right now. They cant see them, hear them, hold them, love them, care for them, or tell them how much they are loved.  Thankfully, I have mine. And he is all I need to complete my life regardless of how much my body betrays me. I cant thank God enough for allowing me to live my life with him and I could never explain to anyone how much I love him but I can show my son everyday that I love him and that every sacrifice that I make is for him and so well worth it.  This weekend we told him we love him so much more than we'd ever said, I think. I've made myself sick thinking of those poor families that I have no words for.  How do you console someone that has lost a part of them... and in some cases, themselves completely?  I just pray that they will find some peace...

RIP Sandy Hook victims 12.14.12

30 minute morning

So after a fatigue filled day yesterday, I woke up this morning with less energy (equivalent to none) and wondered what the fastest and easiest way would be to get ready for work.  I have long hair and its pretty damn stubborn. So needless to say, in my eyes--that of a Fibro Fighter-- I had a difficult morning ahead of me. Turns out I was ready in 30 minutes... including my breaks and all. So I thought to myself 'why not share your findings of an easy morning with all Fibromites?'  So here is the fastest way to get ready (for me) in the mornings.

I have, like I said before, long, unruly hair that has its good days and bad days like everything else we experience with this wonderful illness.  My go-to quick fix for this is believe it or not HOT ROLLERS!  Everyone loves a cute wave in long tresses... but I don't have the time, energy or muscle strength in my arms to do it with a curling iron or flat iron... and I've never actually tried the wand but to me seems pretty much as effective as a curling iron.  I tend to wash my hair at night, since I zumba in the evening, and let it air dry through out the night--this also helps avoid heat damage from the blow dryer.  I plug in my hot rollers-- which were pretty inexpensive but well worth the investment--and let them heat up for about ten minutes.  During this ten minute lapse I do one of two things, if I was proactive enough the prior night to pick out my clothes then I get all my make up stuff ready and if not I get my clothes ready (or take a break). So my make up consists of 5 things on my lazy days: foundation, powder, a pencil liner, mascara and lipstick. Ok so now that I've gathered my materials, my rollers are ready to be put in.  I put them in slowly 'cause they're hot. At most, my hair takes about 8 (if I want a tight curl) or maybe 5-6 if I want loose curls.  While they're on and they set, I put on my foundation, pat on my powder, curl my lashes and mascara them up, add a little liner on the bottom (or top) lid, and as a cute punch I add a bright red or pink lipstick. So my rollers have been on a good 10 minutes by now so I take them off and there it is! I pump in some shine serum and I'm done.

Personally, my bangs are a bit frizzy so I go over them quickly with a straightener but most people don't have that problem so you lucky ones can skip this step.

So now I get dressed and I'm out the door.

I realized this morning that I have lots of shortcuts that I never really realized were precisely that, shortcuts to make my life as a Fibro Fighter a bit easier.  I hope this helped a bit!

If you have any questions, please let me know or feel free to comment away!

This isnt from today but more or less what the outcome is! :)

Is this it?

Today is one of those days where I hate being sick. Everything hurts and I just want to give up. I'm tired and I want a freaking break already.  I can't even breathe right. I feel like I'm missing air in my lungs. My neck is hurting so much that it's caused a headache and my jaw to tense up. I feel incredibly dizzy and nauseated. I just want to kick and scream like a baby!
Sometimes I wonder why I can't be normal....  I don't remember my life without pain.  Is this it?  Can I really deal with this forever?!? This can't possibly be the life that God wants for me!  For anyone!  I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm frustrated.  I'm in pain. I'm tired. I'm scared.

Tremors...

So I had an appointment with my rheumatologist yesterday and I suppose it went well.  Well, I guess considering that it could always be worse.  I told her about my tremors of my left had. She didn't seem very pleased. :( I have an appointment with yet another doctor, a neurologist.  I'm nervous about this one.  I am not sure why I feel anxious about it but I'm dreading it.  I think I have a fear that things can actually be worse than Fibromyalgia.  Not that fibro isn't bad or that I'd give up fight, but at least I already knew what was wrong... I had an answer. And now, I'm in limbo again.  My hand is not in the best of shape and I can tell its only getting worse.  My doctor told me that I'm going to need a needle test... apparently I was supposed to understand what that meant and have absolutely no fear of it. ha! wrong again! Just hearing the word needle makes it terrifying.  And not that I have a phobia of them but my brain doesn't fathom the idea of it in anyway be pleasurable or even at that, moderately uncomfortable.  My brain went straight into agony! Oh well... I guess its only best I face it, deal with it, and move on. Maybe another upward turn? I'll know in a week...

Down but not out!

I've been out of work for a week and although I was urging for today to come so I could get out of the house, I have to say I don't feel up to it.  I'm tired. But on a brighter note, Halloween is coming up and my munchkin is utterly excited! We filled up all of the 300+ candy bags for trick or treaters this weekend! I"m not sure that I'll be able to walk him around the neighborhood to get candy himself, but I know my brother in law will.  I feel so blessed to have such a strong support system. I know sometimes they don't even understand what I'm going through and I'm sure other times they feel like they're just picking up my slack but regardless, I'm eternally grateful.

What is really bothering me this morning is that I've been home sick for a week and today, the first day back to work, I started feeling the signs of a flare coming on.  I really hope I'm wrong. But if I'm right, I'm not going to let it knock me out.  I cant. It wouldn't be fair to my family but most of all, it wouldnt be fair to my son.  Please pray for me...

I'm back!

So I've been MIA for a while but I'm back! I've been sick in bed since Sunday!! I have a sinus infection and throat infection :( It seems with this illness my colds knock me out.  Since I've been diagnosed I hadnt done any vacationing.  This weekend I took a 4 hour trip and I just realized how hard these trips are on me.  I dont know how I've done it up until now.  I wanted to die after only 2 hours. And after I got home I got sick and this infection just threw me in bed for days.  I hope I can go back to work tomorrow. Its weird but I miss it.  I hope that one day all of this will be a bad dream...  Deep down I know its not but one can wish...

I feel so tired of feeling sick...

A Letter to Normals...

There are the things I would like you to understand before you judge me...

Please know that being sick doesn't mean I'm not human. I may spend most of my day flat on my back and I might not seem like great company, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I worry about school, work, family and friends and I'd still like to hear about yours. Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable but it will pass. I've been sick for for so long that I can't afford to be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if I sound happy, it means that I'm happy, it does not mean that I am well. I may be in pain and sicker than ever.Please, don't say, "Oh, you're sounding better!".I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome. Please understand that being able to stand up for five minutes, doesn't mean that I can stand ten minutes, or an hour. It's likely that five minutes has exhausted my resources and I'll need to recover - imagine an athlete after a race. They couldn't repeat that feat right away either. With a lot of diseases you're either paralyzed or you can move, but with Fibromyalgia it gets more confusing. Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, "sitting up", "walking", "thinking", "being sociable" and so on ... it applies to everything. That's what a fatigue-based illness does to you. Please understand that chronic illnesses are variable. It's quite possible (for me, it's common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, and the next I'll struggle to reach the kitchen.  Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying, "But you did it before!".  If you want me to do something, ask if I can and I'll tell you. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, if this happens please don't take it personally. Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better, and can often make me worse. Fibromyalgia may cause secondary depression (wouldn't you get depressed if you were no longer able to participate in life?) but it is not caused by depression. Telling me that I need exercise is not appreciated or correct - if I could do it, I would.  Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now - it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm doing something. Fibromyalgia does not forgive. Please understand that I can't spend all of my energy trying to get well. With a short-term illness like the flu, you can afford to put life on hold for a week or two while you get well. But part of having a chronic illness is coming to the realization that you have to spend some energy on having a life now. This doesn't mean I'm not trying to get better. It doesn't mean I've given up. It's just how life is when you're dealing with a chronic illness.If you want to suggest a cure, please don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because every one of my friends has already suggested every theory known to man. I tried them all, but quickly realized I was using up so much energy trying new treatments I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured Fibromyalgia, all of us would know about it by now.If you read this and still want to suggest a cure, submit it in writing but don't expect me to rush out and try it. If it is something new, with merit, I'll discuss it with my doctor.Please understand that getting better can be a slow process. Fibromyalgia entails numerous symptoms and it can take a long time to sort them all out.

I depend on you - people who are not sick for many things but most importantly, I need you to understand me.

http://fmscommunity.org/lettertonormals.htm