My heart and soul...

Wow I cant believe its been almost a month since I've been on here.  I think that's because I've had the hardest two weeks I can remember (physically). This weekend was definitely the worst by far. I got to a point where all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry myself unconscious. I thought about how ugly the rest of my life was gonna be, how much I hated my body right now and how much I wanted this to be a bad dream... But after analyzing everything that's happened this last week, I came to one conclusion.  I am beyond blessed.  I realized this weekend that I have an amazing support system. My family is so supportive. And my friends pray with me, for me and stand by me.  But most of all I have my son.  There are 20 families missing their children right now. They cant see them, hear them, hold them, love them, care for them, or tell them how much they are loved.  Thankfully, I have mine. And he is all I need to complete my life regardless of how much my body betrays me. I cant thank God enough for allowing me to live my life with him and I could never explain to anyone how much I love him but I can show my son everyday that I love him and that every sacrifice that I make is for him and so well worth it.  This weekend we told him we love him so much more than we'd ever said, I think. I've made myself sick thinking of those poor families that I have no words for.  How do you console someone that has lost a part of them... and in some cases, themselves completely?  I just pray that they will find some peace...

RIP Sandy Hook victims 12.14.12

Down but not out!

I've been out of work for a week and although I was urging for today to come so I could get out of the house, I have to say I don't feel up to it.  I'm tired. But on a brighter note, Halloween is coming up and my munchkin is utterly excited! We filled up all of the 300+ candy bags for trick or treaters this weekend! I"m not sure that I'll be able to walk him around the neighborhood to get candy himself, but I know my brother in law will.  I feel so blessed to have such a strong support system. I know sometimes they don't even understand what I'm going through and I'm sure other times they feel like they're just picking up my slack but regardless, I'm eternally grateful.

What is really bothering me this morning is that I've been home sick for a week and today, the first day back to work, I started feeling the signs of a flare coming on.  I really hope I'm wrong. But if I'm right, I'm not going to let it knock me out.  I cant. It wouldn't be fair to my family but most of all, it wouldnt be fair to my son.  Please pray for me...

Bach???

I read somewhere that us Fibromites learn to live with the pain 'playing in the background like elevator music.'  I spoke to a friend of mine last night and he asked if I was always in pain... I really couldn't say no but at the same time didn't feel comfortable saying yes.  My pain is there. Not debilitating, not visible, not measurable, not comprehensible, but most definitely always there.  I think as I learn more about this illness and as I communicate more and more with people that are going through the same thing I am, the more I learn to cope.  I've learned to accept that this is the path that was chosen for me, and that He chose me for a reason.  Maybe that's why I feel the need to write, to find the reason He chose me.  Its not easy explaining to people that my illness is chronic and severe. Its not easy hearing people say "but you look okay" when inside I know my body and mind are falling to pieces before their eyes and they cant see it.  My illness has made me realize and understand so much more that not everything is what we think it is or how we see it from the outside.  I thank God that I was finally diagnosed.  Since my diagnosis, I've begun to have a 'normal' life again... of course only to the extent of my physical ability.  I may not ever be whom or what I used to be and I may not ever go back to doing the things that I did in the past, but I'm surely not going down without a fight.

My support system is incredible.  My family supports me.  Friends that I never thought could understand, have not only stood by but have cheered me on and have shown me that life isn't about being who you were but becoming what you were meant to be.  This is by no means a handicap in my life; I think this diagnosis and my NEW reality, is a gift.  The gift of a journey in life that takes me through limits that I never even imagined much less did I dream of overcoming.  I don't feel sorry for myself nor would I like any one to.... I just take my days one at a time... and remember that every day ends and with its end comes the beginning of a new day.  If I can make it through today, I'll be back tomorrow.