It's just one of those days...

Slowly... but surely

So my days haven't exactly been easy lately.  I am tired. I'm not sure where I'm going with anything.. not even this post.  I just do what I can to get through my day sometimes a little less.  My spoons are running on an all time low recently.  I think its time to go back to the Dr but I'd decided about a month ago I was done with Drs and was giving myself a long break....so I'm gonna tough it out a little longer.  Everyone of us needs those few weeks of no drs, no exams, no medication changes...

Well I haven't updated my results from the last appointment and I guess that's one of the major reasons I've had it with Drs. So here goes.... I have a bulging disc in my neck and cervical spine stenosis.  Apparently my neck is much older than the rest of my body and my discs are obstructing the nerve canal and in turn the nerves that dictate my arms and upper body.  As per my neurologist, at this point surgery is not needed (because there's not much they can do) this illness is apparently degenerative so I don't expect to get better. The only think he can do is control the inflammation and pain--obviously through medication.  I've been taking some pain medication but I refuse to depend on it. Therapy is an option but its not a resolution so at this point I've decide to wait on it.

So for now, I'll just take one day at a time...

French!

I haven't written in a few days but I'm back! Yeah so I came back cause I have a new symptom :/ its the life of a Fibro Princess! So I'm asleep and I get woken up by this cold feeling in my lower legs just below my knees... Now I have this burning sensation with a tingle an unbearable pain! WTF??? Pardon the vocab but one of my fellow Fibro Fighterz said 'we've earned the right to cuss' and I totally agree! Sometimes its tough to describe everything we feel without letting out a bad word or two or several...  Hell I could write an entire novel with only bad words!! But anyway I suppose its time for bed! Goodnight! :)

Stages to the new me...

So in coming to terms with my illness, I've realized a few things. First off, I've come to the conclusion that us, Fibromites, have to go through an inner process aside from our physical endeavors. I read somewhere, and have to agree, that once diagnosed we have to go through the 7 stages of grief. And in this, I in no way mean that we have to accept our end but simply a new beginning. We grieve for our old self. As we lose the life we had and must learn to live with the new life we were so graciously given.


And although I believe we do have to go through these 7 stages, I also must say that I agree with Dr. Phil as he states that "there are not stages of grief, but an array of feelings that arise." But I also believe, that in my very particular case, I went through the stages mostly before my diagnosis.




The first stage is shock and denial. I don't think that I went through the shock as much as I did the denial long before my diagnosis. I felt young and more ready than ever to conquer the world. I was a single mom, working, and dedicated to my son. At first one symptom, then another... and every time I encountered a new one, I told myself "Oh stop! Its all in your head!" Of course, hearing that from family and friends added to the usual "you're healthy, all your tests are negative" from the doctors only helped prolong this stage further.


Stage 2 is the strange one for me... Pain and Guilt! Pain yes! Lots of it! Physical and Emotional! Not to mention the pain of not being who I knew I could be or always wanted to be. Guilt, on the other hand, was not for me. How could I feel guilty for being sick. Yes, I admit I don't eat the healthiest food or do 3 hours of work out sessions a day, but I did well for myself physically. Very active. Zumba was my major outlet for all the emotional stress I was going through not knowing what the hell was wrong with me.



Anger and Bargaining.... I think one time I asked why me? but then I answered myself. Why not? That's always been the answer to a lot of my questions... and for me, this worked. I was angry, yes. Because I didn't know what was wrong with me, because no one gave me answers, because no one told me it was not in my head, because I was in pain ALL the time, because I wanted it to stop, I EXPECTED it to stop... and it never did.



Stage 4 was the craziest... Depression! Major! So much anger made me depressed. I think more than anything it was the fear that I was sick (or maybe it was just all in my head) and I had my son. He needed me to be sane and I was anything but... I cried in the dark and always in the shower... upset. sad. My anxiety escalated to uncontrollable levels only to add to my depression and loss of hope.



And then... the best stage so far... The Upward Turn. The day I walked into my Rheumatologist's office. The moment I heard it.. Yes you're sick. You have Fibromyalgia. It's not in your head. And there is no cure. For some people, most sane people, this is almost as crushing as a life sentence to death... but for me, it was light. Light at the end of the tunnel that I had so painfully been crawling through, scratching at the walls and dragging through the dirt....


Reconstruction and Working through... This one, to me, seems like it's never going to actually pass. With this illness I don't think we ever finish "reconstructing ourselves." Its almost impossible. With every flare comes new symptoms and new weakness and even new abilities.... so how can we stop rearranging our lives. I guess I did the basics. So basically, I started working through the pain and the reconstruction of my life. I changed some parts of my life... I walk slower. I talk slower. I enjoy more of the simple things. I leave the drama. I concentrate on and indulge in my simple pleasures. And most importantly... I worked through getting to Stage 7


Acceptance & Hope
I accept my weaknesses. I accept my pains. I accept my life. I accept the challenge. But most of all I accept my illness. I know I'm sick and I know that this is not something that will go away. And I have hope that my life will not deteriorate, simply change. I have hope that my family and friends will see me through it. I have hope that life will get better. And I have Faith in Him and that He's listening to my prayers and nourishing my Hope.


So with all of this said, my last stage calls for one more thing..


I am Mireya and I have Fibromyalgia....

Fibro for dummies...

What hurts?
My bed. My couch. My pillow. My clothes. My shoes. My phone. My TV. My food. The sun. The heat. The rain. The cold.
When?
I open my eyes. I climb out of bed. I sleep. I sit. I walk. I talk. I think. I eat. I laugh. I hug. I drink. I ask. I type. I read. I work. I breathe.
Where?
My head. My back. My eyes. My legs. My chest. My fingers. My brain. My emotions. My elbows. My knees. My jaw. My toes. My neck. My stomach. My ribs. My throat. My memory. My life.
Why?
It touches. It itches. It rubs. It scrapes. It Burns. Its heavy. It's rough. It's hard. It's soft. It's late. It's early. It's too much. It's too little. It's hot. It's cold.
So what do I rely on....
My Faith. My courage. My strength. My family. My friends.
God.

Pain...

My neck pain is unbearable today!!!  I want to scream! Kick!  Cry! Anything that will alleviate this terrible pain. I've been told and I've told myself so many times that I'm strong but I'm so close to giving up sometimes.... 

Turbulence...

Wow this week has been by far one of my worst... Today its hard for me to breathe. After I got back to work from lunch I tried to walk across the hall to get ice and it seemed eternal.  I felt like I was running a 5K. My body was so stiff.  My body aches so much it feels like I'm one big constant shake.  Feels like I'm so high off the ground and with no stability that I just may fall some day.  Its so scary. My anxiety is so bad at nights that I don't sleep.  I'm afraid to fall asleep and wake up worse.  But I keep coming to work because staying at home only depresses me more.  I cant see myself stopping my life.  I'm only 30 and I feel like my body is giving up already.  I know in my heart that it will be ok but I just get so tired and frustrated of dealing with this.  Its crazy how drs say this isn't a progressive illness... It sure as heck feels like it gets worse and worse... I just pray that He gives me the strength that I need.